In Honor of Valentines and My Parents, a Love Story

I love you

I love you (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I know this is a little late for Valentine’s Day, but it is a love story nonetheless.My father, the Old Man, has been taken out of his home by stretcher twice and my mother, the Crow, has been taken out once in the last three weeks.  Thankfully they will be fine, but both have a long road of rehab and reality ahead of them, and they will fight it with all the emotional strength they can muster.  But a time will come when they run out of unreasonableness, and will accept the present, and its ever increasing limitations.

But they still have each other, and they still have us.  Being together and loving each other is what makes this bearable.

Anthropomorphic Valentine, circa 1950–1960

Anthropomorphic Valentine, circa 1950–1960 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mother the Crow actually fractured and dislocated her wing last week.  Even though on the night before she told my sister she had no plans to take the garbage down the icy driveway.   Even though same said sister was at the house and offered to take down the giant plastic barrel on wheels and the recycling tub that must be carried, never dragged, as its contents will spill everywhere.   Even though, some sense of rebellion in my mother caused her to drag the garbage down her icy driveway in the early morning, with no cell phone in her pocket, no emergency medallion around her neck.  My father slept that morning, with no idea that an hour later he would get up, look out his bedroom window and find his wife curled up and motionless in the driveway.  Growing old is not easy.  That’s what everybody says.  I say growing old is heartbreaking.  Heartbreaking to see the person you love more than anything lying as still as death.  Swallowing bile because you just want to fall down and die yourself.   Heartbreaking because such a sight caused a 91-year-old man to have to scurry outside in bare feet on a cold winter morning, when he can’t even walk without wobbling.  His adrenalin drove him down the stairs inside, outside and out to the spot where his love lay, writhing in pain and thinking her life was over.  Upon seeing him she yelled in anger because a cut to those bare feet, on ice or a rock, would result in hemorrhaging, as the Coumadin in his system has thinned his blood, making bleeding a risk at all times.  The makings of a grand love story.

While his feet were miraculously unharmed, my father’s emotions were totally rattled.  He ended up back in the hospital after experiencing heaviness in his chest, with bronchitis that had gotten badly infected.  His lack of interest in eating and drinking did not help.  Forcing someone to eat and drink is a battle.  If one knows that one must eat to stay healthy and alive, why not just do it?  Seems simple enough.

My friend John said it best the other night, ‘It’s all emotion, no logic.  And it only gets worse.”  I took comfort in what sounds like a rather negative vision of the present and the future.  My present and my future, as well as those of my family members, most notably the Crow and the Old Man.  At least I am not alone in my angst over my parents aging and the decisions that accompany it.

It’s heartbreaking that my parents, and other people’s parent and grandparents have to endure such physical pain.  And the psychological pain is worse, far surpassing anything that morphine can tame.

I readily admit that I’ve been spoiled.  So have my siblings.  We have been blessed to have our parents for so long, and for them to be independent for so long. But last week we learned that those days are over, and while we have cared for them here and there in the past, it’s now time to give back without stripping them of their dignity.  And it’s time for them to give up their pride.   That’s when the logic leaves and the emotions dominate.  Intense emotions that shadow every movement, every action, every attempt at escape.

The man next to my father in his hospital room was taking oxygen and steroid treatments for his emphysema.  He said he visits twice a year for what he laughingly referred to as a lube job.  He didn’t have any visitors.  He called across the curtain to my father that he’s lucky to have so many people to take care of him.  “You have a nice close Italian family.  There’s nothing like it, “ he said.  He recalled to us his four sisters who took care of him.  I wondered where they were now, if he had anyone else to care for him.  When I asked to borrow a chair so my mother and I could both sit with my father the man said to go ahead.  “No one is coming here.”

Growing old can break your heart.  Having people you love around to help you is a gift you receive to help make it bearable.

7 thoughts on “In Honor of Valentines and My Parents, a Love Story

  1. Hi Patty,
    I’m so sorry these events are occurring in your life. If there is anything I can do to help the situation please let me know. This is what my book is about and my blog and it’s what I assist people with every day. Your family will get through this and you may have some really “down” times before the “up” times, but you love each other and you care about each other. It may get loud, it may get angry, frustrated, and emotional. None of those things are bad in the long run if you all hold on to the love and respect. My prayers for you and your family are for simple resolutions to major issues. feel free to contact me at any time Medwoman@q.com with any questions or if you just need to vent to a non-involved party. All the best! Laura

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    • Yes, yes and yes, Laura. It’s been all those things and more. But there is also laughter and bonding, which keeps us going. I’m so glad to have your great advice to read and practice. I am sure your book and blog can help us all as we go through this. I’ll be in touch for sure. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and wisdom.
      With sincere gratitude 🙂
      P

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      • Oh yes, the boding and laughter are what keep it all glued together. Don’t ever lose that with the ones you love! This is probably one of the hardest times you’ll have to deal with in your life, but it can also be one of the most rewarding. Keep that wonderfully optimistic attitude!
        HUGS!!!!
        Laura

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      • Thanks Laura. I am happy to say that my parents had a great day today. My mother was cooking, but knows enough not to take hot pans out of the oven without help. My dad got up early and ate well. I’m sure this will be a rollar coaster ride but seeing them smile and feel comfortable really lifted my spirits today. I appreciate your encouragement!!

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      • Han onto the good days and make them shine. Pull out those memories on the days when things get rough. That loving bond with your parents is what will get you all through the transitions. You and your family are an inspiration. Thanks for sharing the intimacy.
        Laura

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  2. I am so glad that we are going through this with you. It;s so hard to see this evolution from adults back to an almost childlike reality. I know I get loud and and frustrated, but I guess it’s because I’m selfish and don’t want to worry about them. After all they are the parents and they are supposed to take care of everything. I guess my dose of reality is as hard to bear as is their’s. love, Maree

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    • It’a a dose of reality for all of us, that’s true. I am grateful for all of us and both our likeness of mind to keep them happy and safe, and our different approaches and reactions, that we can share to come up with viable solutions. What one of us may lack, the other(s) may compensate for. For every day we can share with them, lumps and all, I am grateful.
      XO
      P

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