Thinking About Nothing is Everything

lotusI just completed a much needed and very inspirational phone call with my book coach.  Hopefully she will not read this and see that already I am procrastinating about my next assignment.  But I needed to express this, for myself and anyone else who can hear me.  Thinking about Nothing is the most important thing I do each day.  You may call it meditation, prayer, getting in touch with my inner self.  All those labels apply to that time that is just mine, to let go and let life pass through the space between my ears.  But lately, I haven’t been doing nearly enough Nothing, and it shows.

I’ve been very tense about everything these past few weeks:  my daughter starting high school, which means soon she’ll be having all the experiences and adventures of a teenager and will come of age.  Exciting and scary at the same time. And work, the day job, has been frantic. Lots of changes, some significant, some silly, like the fact that I’ve had my cube location moved three times in the past three weeks.  I’m settling in, and it seems silly, but I began to feel like a transient, fun at first, but eventually frustrating and without stability.  And my body keeps me guessing by the moment – hot flashes, muffin tops and excess facial hair all scrambled up in a soup of chaos.  I feel like Linda Blair in The Exorcist these days, with no control over my body temperature or disposition.  Just a puddle of cold, then hot, pea soup.

So the book, my new book that I’ve been working on these past two years was really coming along and then the work, the flow all halted, abruptly and with no warning.  I was Trying to Get the Feelin Again like the best Barry Manilow fan, but nothing.  Flat.

Even as I’ve attempted sleep at night (or early morning, thank you menopause), all I can hear is voices, loud ones yelling and trying to get their pointless points across to me as I lay there covered in sweat and unable to rest.  I have no idea what they are even talking about.

Now I know what’s been missing.  The fuel that energizes me and in spires me to live from moment to moment, savoring each breath without judgment or drama.  Well, maybe a little drama for the sake of telling my story. Continue reading

Surrender

Autumn Surrender

Autumn Surrender (Photo credit: James Marvin Phelps)

Surrender.

Debra’s blogpost hits home in so many ways. She is such a wonderful writer, with words that penetrate my heart and soul.

On the surface she blogs about a back injury. Underneath, it’s about living in the moment, even if that moment sucks, in order to break on through to the other side, so to speak.

And it’s about compassion not just for others, but for yourself. Yes YOU. So many of us are so hard on ourselves, and have unattainable expectations for ourselves. Guess what? Sometimes its okay to say I’m afraid, in pain and not in a good place. Sometimes that’s the only way to get out of that place at all. Surrender is, in her words…

having compassion for myself the same as I would have for anyone else…

Sounds easy, but I know so many people who are suffering right now, and while they are going through bad times are beating themselves and berating themselves. Why does this have to happen to me? What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I should have known better. Work/School/Life/Love (pick one) is always going to be miserable for me because of me.

I do it myself.

My wish is for all the people I love to find a way to surrender to the pain, and while living through it remember that they didn’t cause the pain. My prayer is that they move away from the pain and towards happiness.